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"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:43-48
Love is a word that is used often by people today. Really if we think about it, it has a number of different meanings and uses. The 'I love you' that is spoken by a husband to his wife is different for example, to the 'I love you' that is said by a child to their parent. Different still is the love that two platonic friends share, and on top of that, we use the word 'love' so freely that sometimes its significance is very much diluted. The statement "I love Star Wars", for example really just means that I like it a lot. Is this then all that love really is, to like someone a lot? If we are talking about loving someone who has hurt us, are we simply searching for a way to feel good about them again?
To Love
The first main problem with our use of the word love is that often, we only take it emotionally. Now I'm not saying that love isn't an emotional thing. Of course it is. Only that love is just as much how we behave towards someone as it is our feelings and concern for them. To love someone, whether they are hurting or not, is something that we do.
In this respect, to love someone is essentially to treat them well. It is to be concerned for them, to care for them and ultimately to seek what is good for them. Now the actions that this involves will vary from situation to situation and from relationship to relationship but essentially the point here is that love is sacrificial. It is to put another's needs before your own.
The ultimate example would naturally be Jesus. He says, "There is no greater love than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." He is one who was unjustly hurt by those around him, by both those close and by those distant from him, and yet his act of love is to give up his own life so that they (and us) might be saved.
Thinking It Through
In a very real sense then love should exist and be exercised despite circumstance. Jesus loved those around him irrelevant of the fact that they were crucifying him and he likewise called on his followers to do the same. We do not love people because they deserve to be loved - the fact that we all sin and hurt others would suggest that no-one earns the love that they receive. Rather we love because God loves. In a way, the question of how we are to love those who have hurt us is the wrong question because our love for those around us should not be based on the things that they do or have done to or for us.
To love someone who has inflicted pain and suffering upon us is difficult for us because of our fallen nature, but not really any different to the love we should have for those we are in happier circumstances with. As a special situation however, it is worth mentioning that Jesus' act of love involved forgiveness for those who did wrong. The ultimately loving act of those who have been hurt by another is to forgive. It is to forgive because we are not ourselves perfect, to forgive because it seeks the good of the other, and to forgive because God has forgiven us. Broken relationships do not honour God, so reconcile them.
What then are some things we might be doing to help us love others when we are hurt?
In Conclusion
So those are two general things we need to understand if we are to go about loving those who have hurt us. Firstly to judge ourselves soberly and understand our own need for forgiveness. Secondly to live love out by forgiving and behaving in a way that seeks the good of the other person. Really it's to dwell on how Jesus has modelled perfect love for us and then be active in working out what this would look like in our own relationships.
If you are really struggling to move beyond your baggage with a person, then you probably haven't forgiven them. That is indicator that we need to look to God and seek others who are godly and mature to help us. A lack of forgiveness results in grudges, bitterness and a relationship that does not honour God. Ultimately it reflects a lack of appreciation for the forgiveness we ourselves have received. And that is a situation we should not be so complacent as to remain in it.
So how does it work for you? What do you think love looks like in a difficult situation?